So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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