my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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