p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
