I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
