I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
