I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
