There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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