Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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