If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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