There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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