just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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