my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
