he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
