Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
