shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
