i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
3pm strippers are depressing
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
