Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
