i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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