Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
