I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
