my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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