You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
