Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
