there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize