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So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Still dying that you shit outside
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
