What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
