just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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