Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
