I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize