i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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