Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
