Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
