I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
