It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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