His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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