You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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