Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
