Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
