Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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