where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
