Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
this just has baby written all over it
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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