Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
