I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you had me at cake vodka
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
