hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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