My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
