she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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