my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
