I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
