My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
