So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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