did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I need moral support for this bender
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
In other news, I just burned my penis
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
