I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
