need another drink. this is the easiest way
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
