Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
