I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
