Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
