I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
