It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
