I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
