i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
