I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
